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Chapter 1. Panic

Its Wednesday April 12, clearly I am supposed to be at work. Where am I? What time is it? I am all alone, the buzz of background music was all I can hear , the rhythm was muffled , am I dreaming? My heart was pounding quite heavy, I was on my hands and knees almost kneeling , like I was praying. I was sweating, shaking and cold. Everything seemed familiar, the smell of candles burning, being quite weak i turned my head to hear the swosh of the water against the dishes in the dishwasher. It seemed to be amplified by 100%. Everything was in slow motion, words were incoherent. Something warm was against me, it was my dog Nelly on my left hand side. I remember looking up , as the tears flowed down my face. The kind of tears that your eyes fill up so quickly you can’t see anything, You can’t wipe them away fast enough to see what’s in front of you. I don’t know how long I was there for. I don’t know how long I went into a outter body experience for. Here was a person of despair, a person of darkness; I was giving up. I gasped for air, I felt like i couldn’t breathe, the air has been kicked from my lungs.

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This all-too-familiar feeling is back? But Why? I remember this feeling I’ve been here before. I was under 12 or so years old or younger and I was in my bedroom with my dad’s fillet knife under my pillow : the same knife my Mom used to cut herself open at the abdomen years prior. An event also the changed the course of our lives. She lived to tell that tale. All the emotions resurfaced; I had been here before. A location I promised I would never go again. This is rock bottom. I’m just 30 years older. Kids Help-Phone saved me then, having the number written on a school notebook, after a horrible relocation of new family members I didn’t ask for. I called and never forgotten what she told me.

Something I learned in my life was to never give up. My mom always preached me that but my mom gave up and now here I am. On my knees about the end it the way she did. When I was able to stand up, I remember an hour until a text came in and I needed to compose myself to look at my phone. I can’t remember anything except going to the freezer to get a cookie. Cannabis helped me during a bad dose of Seasonal Affective Disorder, can it save my life? I was about to find out just how much this plant would change my whole life.
My body had been itchy for days since we had returned from Cuba and nothing was helping. All my thoughts were completely blurry. We just got back from a holiday vacation, a vacation that had been planned for months. I didn’t go away to come back like that this. I wanted to decompress not come back insane. After the trip I was in such distraught, I had gone to the doctor to get something for my anxiety as well as the infection in the pus that was dripping from my bites

The combination of all the pills the doctor had me on, took a negative turn . I totally felt like a whole new person in more ways than one. In the course a few short days, every emotion flew through my veins as if I was dying. I knew what I needed to do for my own health. I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t tell anyone yet. I was going to be called a lair and psycho. I was so far from this label, though I have lived a life of labels. Watching and whispers of so called friends whom judge daily. The world needs to open their makeup stained eyes and see what is happening in this world before us.

I was 236 pounds, depressed, anxious, emotionally drained, how did I let it go this far? My knees hurt I wasn’t able to climb stairs anymore my snoring got so bad, that it kept people awake. I hard time breathing, on any kind of exercise. For 8 years, i swam in wine, daily. I bathed in it daily. It helped the pain seem gone, easier to accept, red, white, blush, it didn’t matter. It got me, good.  The only way I was able to cope. The stresses of my life and my childhood nightmares continue to eat me alive. I was about to leave it all, everything that tormenting all my life. The dark cloud that seems to hover over my head. A dark cloud to take over my life.

To understand what happened to bring me, that moment where my life was going to end that day; can’t be achieved in one chapter. It will be written in many chapters in here, following this one. Suicide has affected my life. And so many people are suffering, I was one of them, screaming in silence. Screaming for love, someone to hold me. Tell me things will be ok. That never happened. Time to stop and smell the roses.

We need to go back to beginning. That will be, the only way, my story will be understood. How I got to uncontrollable panic attacks, substance abuse and recurring flashbacks of my childhood that all started April 7th after a nightmare vacation in Cayo Santa Maria Cuba. A trip that will ultimately change the direction in my life.

A trip that brought every issue to a head. Issues of abuse , neglect and on going emotional trauma had surfaced. Like a bad storm, that had been brewing for 30 years was about to rash its fury on me. I am strong enough to face these demons in the face, once and for all. A journey ultimately killing me inside, daily.

 

Until I ate a cookie infused with medical cannabis on Feb 11, 2017.

Why? Long before that, someone was telling me they were baking some. I listened and we have been longtime acquainted coworkers. Since, being the worst I had been mentally, emotionally and physically. The entertaining request for one was successful and risky. I really wasnt into edibles or anything. I knew nothing. I preached about how bad I was feeling and I needed to shake things up before it got too bad. It was a bad Winter and little sunshine, clearly bad news for me. A cookie that made me seem normal, as weird as that sounds. Whatever it was allowed my brain activity to flow effortlessly. Where I felt present, aware and alive. I had energy again, I felt beautiful for the first time in a very long time. I’ve been spinning my wheels trying to be someone who society thanks is the poster child for normal.

A cookie that took my suicide thoughts away, that day and everyday following. There was a major problem, my husband would kill (not really) if he knew I was using Cannabis.

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Welcome To My Story

Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience

4 replies

  1. Wow…i am so intrigued….thank you for your story….thank you for trusting us enough.
    You are in my prayers and good thought s.

    Like

    1. Good Morning, my life has been shrewd with lies, abuse, neglect, struggles, mental and emotional pain. Cannabis allows me to tell my story. If it reaches someone it helps. I am doing right. My Mom , deserves this. I deserve this. Much Love! Enjoy the Ride

      Like

  2. Great read Mitzi… I too myself know the darkness of day. Losing my brother and father in one year has changed me drastically. Was given antidepressants to help cope. Was on them for 2 years before finally I realized I can do this emotional roller coaster without the help of pharmaceutical meds. Grew up around alcohol abuse and was even in a relationship for 17 years that was touch and go with alcohol on his behalf. We are strong women and will get through this! I love reading your blogs and posts. If there is anything I can do to help or just listen I’m here.

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    1. I’m Stronger because of all of it and so are you. From every rollercoaster . It has stopped and I walked away . I got the help I needed mentally and emotionally. My Chapters may save someones life one day 🙂

      Like

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