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Chapter 3 Part 2… It is Over

I have to go back again to the front desk? The same place where Cubans all week, treated us like a disease.? This is really happening? They all looked at me like I was nuts, it was like we were just dropped off , and to fend for ourselves in a country that doesn’t know any English? With every turn, I was exhausted dealing with something. We were tired, hungry, angry and wanted to go home. Nothing went right, it seemed as anything that could happen… did.

All I remember is being all alone, screaming at the front desk staff to listen to me. While people looked in shock. I have come to learn , tourists like a good show. My anxiety was high, as I knew no one came to our aid, no why would it any different. We were leaving in the morning and needed to get the safe open. Emergency, I kept saying. Room 114, safe broken. All week, no one heard my pleas to fix our room , the door to our room and everything in between.  What should not happen when you have Air Canada behind you and a $4000 trip.

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I cried more tears that night, than I think I ever had. The build up of constant disappointment, alcohol abuse and stress of life caught up to me. The sheer sign of panic, was imminent and it was all going down with the sun in Cuba. I went to bed hungry that night as well as everybody else. It was early leaving, it was maybe 3 or 4am and we had to be at the Lobby to catch the 2 hour bus ride back.  I spent the next few days in a blur. I had a day or 2 to get myself together before going back work after the Hell we where in.

I was not myself. I could cry at anything. I wasn’t able to sleep,  having flashbacks of impacting negative moments in my life. My “Dads” lack of interest in our lives, my Moms obsession with death, the foster homes, drug abuse, theft and depression. Time has made me into someone I never wanted to be. Alone, in my own messy world of destruction, it seemed at the time. Everything that has brought me to who I am right at this moment, will forever mold me into the person I am today.

My skin was on fire and itchy, boy can that drive a person crazy. I tried everything all weekend to find some relief. I spent most of it sleeping. I had left the luggage outside for 2 days just in case we picked up any critters. That would be the next nightmare, thank god that didn’t happen.

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It was Monday and I am at the doctors. I was in such a mess, I needed relief. I was given a strong Antihistamine for my bites and itchiness. It was a little round green pill, a pill to go under my tongue for Anxiety (Lorazepam) and I was on Paxil already. Tylenol for pain and cannabis for anxiety and insomnia, a mixture of danger. That night I can remember, I was so distraught. About many things, how life has been so unfair. How all my life, I have felt like I huge let down. I went to bed crying,I was shaking so cold, I felt like I was that person on the show “Intervention” I was so messed up with everything in my system including tainted thoughts. I eventually fell asleep, I woke to reality. Those pills had to go, right back to where they come from.

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Back to work,  I had sent a Panic message to my Dad telling him, I no longer want him in my life. I was at work, revisiting the events of the trip to everyone who asked. It was the final moment, when one of the supervisors came in to my Activity Room to say “Hi” as she was taking over for the week. I started crying. I couldn’t stop. I told her briefly what was going on. I think I asked her if she ever felt like her ship was sinking and you didn’t know what to do? ” I think she hugged me. I cant remember much of the next 24 hours. I went home early, spent the day alone in my thoughts. I listen to music a lot and find inspiration in it. Watching television is so depressing. I don’t watch much, except the History channel. Where I can learn something interesting about our world and people in it. Something inspiring , moving for the soul. All my life, for as long as I can remember having a distraction playing to drown out the confusion of my upbringing and events of my life. Although, I have had my share of bad, my share of good will be shared. Many lessons I have learned, that I will share will all. All was a blur those few days at home, i struggled immensely recalling all the events of my lifetime the ample panic attacks that make me black out.

Its Wednesday April 12, clearly I am supposed to be at work. Where am I? What time is it? I am one, All I can hear was the background of music , the rhythm was muffled , am I dreaming? My heart was pounding quite heavy, I was on my hands and knees almost kneeling , like I was praying. I was sweating, shaking and cold. Everything seemed familiar, i can smell candles burning, being quite weak i turned my head to hear the swoosh of the water against the dishes dishwasher. It seemed to be amplified by 100%. Everything was in slow motion, words were incoherent. Something warm was against me, it was my dog Nelly on my left hand side. I remember looking up , as the tears flowed down my face. The kind of tears that your eyes fill up so quickly you can’t see anything, You can’t wipe them away fast enough to see what’s in front of you. I don’t know how long I was there for. I don’t know how long I went into a outer body experience for. Here was a person of despair, a person of darkness; I was giving up. I gasped for air, I felt like i couldn’t breathe, the air has been kicked from my lungs. 

Was I really going to commit suicide? Did my thoughts and emotions of panic were really going there? Did I just spend almost 40 years struggling to be happy mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Was this all I was chalking up to? I cant describe what happened to me at that moment. I will in the future try and explain in. Something much bigger than me, was there. I have in the last year seen strange encounters, felt odd feelings and went to a medium in hopes to explain the spiritual like activity in my new world.

I found purpose on my knees, where I was in a world of sorrow, regrets and confusion. The only thing I could think to do, was not pour a drink , have a cigarette or crawl to the bathroom to vomit of the stress.

It was to reach for that cannabis infused edible I had in my freezer. I had nothing else to loose. I have been to hell and back twice now and I don’t ever want to be there again. I was tired of hangovers, pills and problems.

This could be the answer? Boy, was it ever. I am more than alive…because of it. It wasn’t truly over. The work was about to begin… opening Pandora Box was going to reveal secrets I didn’t want to know.

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Welcome To My Story

Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience

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