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Chapter 4 Broken Innocence

Sill remember the world, from the eyes of a child, now seeing through eyes of a someone time has made. Eyes that can see clearer now, eyes that can see more love, eyes that can see red flags. Redflags that that have been visible to the eye but blinded by the mind. Slowly those feelings have crept into an angry, despair women whom has been in captive for decades. Living to please others causes stress, anxiety and depression, until you can take 110% accountability into who you are and the actions you make on a daily basis without any approval of anyone. You are never living and breathing for yourself, if you ever find yourself disappointed of ones approval of anything including Career choice, hobbies,  interests or down to who you love. If you are not hurting anyone, why is it anyone’s business to tell you any different. When is someone entitled to give you any grief?

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My thoughts can go back to the days of innocence and ice tea stands. I was your typical danger child. rebellious, inquisitive and adventurous. The only story I ever heard about my early days, as I was trouble child, where they had taken all my things I played with away as they filled the closet full? As a parent of the same age of children ,I can understand the basics of human including children’s behavior and how the mind works, I am educated in this field.living in a not so normal household.

I don’t remember, much of that.  Memories seem to be clouded, as it was not long lived. Soon, I would be forced to grow up faster than any innocent child should;  an uneven trade for the real world. Life became unfair at the age of born, a fairness I would come to respect. Time will heal, I didn’t understand the logistics of life , yet.

It is believed that the existence of ” What a Family Should Be?” was clearly not part of the string of events which will infold without permission. We can never understand how other human act towards others. As any child, you want to held, praised and encouraged to be the best you can. It is right of passage. Children’s brains are developing at such a crucial time, the time where I was learning about abuse in more ways than one. You have no where to hide when your a child.  It is actions and words encrypted in a series of messages that are hard wired forever in your memory. It sculpts us as we age.

My parents divorced, the yelling, abuse and disconnection was enough for my Mom to say she was done. I can remember that night, as if it was yesterday. Laying in bed wide awake listening to the yelling  of stating. I am done, I want a divorce.  She was done, I have to learn as an Adult, why she left now. The man she was married too, was not a nice man under the influence of alcohol. In the 80’s the divorce rate The divorce rate fell from a historic high of 22.6 divorces per 1,000 married women in 1980 to 17.5 in 2007. In real terms, this means that slightly more than 40% of contemporary first marriages are likely to end in divorce, down from approximately 50% in 1980.1. It wasn’t the news, any young pair of siblings wants to hear.

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We seemed a happy family, yet I cant remember being hugged and told I was proud of you. I have never heard those words. Years ago, a conversation was being had about how good I turned out. Dud, as I call him now, joked and say it was because of his genetics and his support. For the rest of my life, I still have that conversation with my husband and brother as if it was the Joke of the Year. So many odd encounters over the years paints a strange picture of what this was all about. What is this person , who never took his little daughter under his wing to be proud of. I tried for years, to say “Hey, Look I won a Leadership Award, they are having a dinner to honor me. ” Hey, I am graduating with honors. Deans List Student. Was he in the audience? No, I didn’t even receive a Congratulations card. I bought myself a new car to celebrate. I paid my own way, again. I was proud and no one again who should be there was, another Wake Up Call!

Recalling the events, of moving out or staying is gone. All the years I have living, listening and searching high and low for answers.I have been unable to recall the events of my true childhood. Unsuccessfully,left to put pieces together resulting in a disturbing picture NO children should ever be exposed too. I call that neglect, of all emotions. Lessons in everything, stand before us, here as well.

No other close family around to help fill in the blanks. All the aunts, uncles and cousins have all been estranged from the family? but why? Why is this family ;living in a small town of 9000 people have little or no strong family connections? It seems all around me people were living as a happy normal family. Again, in years gone by I was feeling that feeling again.

I was dropped off again to fend for myself, mentally, emotionally, physically and soon at a young age financially.

Yet I was only 9. I am still trying to see why Me? Why did no want want me. My Mom just kicked me out. I did nothing.

 

 

1.

The Evolution of Divorce | National Affairs
https://www.nationalaffairs.com/publications/detail/the-evolution-of-divorce

 

 

 

 

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Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience

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