It was the start of the emotional walls, brick by brick in a fashion to protect my innocence, but Why, at such a young age I am left to understand the confusion of divided worlds. I was wondering how I house hold of periods of laughter and fun can go to dark hellish times in a blink of an eye. I was topo young to understand Mental Health at the time and I never got guided into understanding the disconnected life I was living at such a young age. Surrounded by boxed items, missing toys and tear drops, It was only to get more bizarre..
It was the sound the ambulance, I was playing up the road at friends. Maybe an Ice tea stand, we were famous for that. My Mom was amazing at making sure I was happy, too bad to would be short lived. The ambulance was backing into my driveway, I remember running to the house. I was kept back by the humans in the white box truck. I can remember screaming “Mom” and I saw her briefly in the hallway on the floor. My brother had gone back into the house and found her with a large knife wound to her abdomen. She had taken the fillet knife, the one I always warned about how sharp it was. She had used to cut her stomach open. Why? It is too much for any little brain to process. A process that will haunt me for years to come. My Dad was at work, he was on his way home to deal with the aftermath of a”suicide attempt” and his young Son finding his Mom in a tragic way.
I cant remember much after that except, being home and having to walk around the large blood stained area in the hallway to my bedroom and bathroom. One time I vision me on the floor crying near it. She was my Mom, every little girl needs her Mom. I was maybe 7? at the time. She had left a note, yet I didn’t read it. I was never told what I said. Secrets that will unravel over the years as I grow, mature and learn about the unknown years. Questions that will never be answered honestly, question that sometimes haunt me when I close my eyes may just surface one day. We never talked about the “Hallway Incident” ever to this day.
Things I believe spiralled after that, her Mental Health went south. She wasn’t taking her medications, she was self-diagnosing herself and her Manic was getting worse. The marriage was over and there was no looking back. She was a nurse at the local hospital, she had an amazing career. The short amount of time I lived with my Mom, we were visiting churches, getting baptised again a second time in another faith, visiting religious homes and learning about “A.A” which is Alcoholic’s Anonymous. Going to the friendship center, meeting native’s and going to meetings will be something I experienced. It shapes a person, its the cells in my blood, part of me. A tattoo that can never be erased deep embedded in the memory of a confused, sad, little girl.
It was almost as things changed over night. I was back living in the house my Mom wanted to die in with my cat Munchkins I missed and my brother. Life has to go on , we had babysitters in the house and we were to be quiet when Dad was sleeping. He was a single Dad now, she was gone to out west, moved out of town. Bye Bye Mom, I was so upset at being kicked out because I didn’t want to go to church again. Living with my Dad, seemed a better option at the time. He dropped the news he was in love with a new lady he met. She had 2 kids younger than us. It seemed an amazing arrangement. We had some life in the home, the decision was made.
The house was to be sold on Elizabeth Street and we were moving into her home with her 2 kids. Much about the honeymoon period is vague. I can remember watching dirty dancing about 15 times in the new basement. We made forts, I had a new cat, another little brother. It was fun, we were all still innocent. Here was the thing, 2 different families both quite different. Step Mom was strict. He children were spoiled and got everything she wanted. Something we didn’t know much about. I can prove my clothing my parent suited me for class photos is clearly an indication of their priorities. We started to not even talk to them or play with them. They didn’t like us, and we didn’t like them, period. They whined and complained all the time about us. She always was bitching to my Dad about us, which over the years became toxic leading to a huge blow up. I remember when they were getting married, I wasn’t impressed. I can still see my pissed off face in one of the photos. I was getting attitude as home life was taking a turn for the worst.
I was finishing up my Grade 8 and it was going to be my graduation. I remember being excited about it. My friends were getting cards, flowers, gifts and money. Parents were showing up, showing support like they should do.Getting photos with their children, Where were my parents? Not there. As a parent now, I see the value in daily positive acknowledgment for growth and development. Up til then, I had zero. Only ways to discourage it seemed.
I remember being upset that I had a curfew earlier than my other friends, dancing in the living room of a classmates house. I had a great night with friends but i do think something happened to me that night. The first impacting moment, I truly remember wishing someone was proud of me and I didn’t get the reaction I deserved. Not for long, things were changing I was maturing with anger.
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Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience