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April 12th 2017, One Year Ago

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“What time is it?” I said to my husband as I rolled over, “10 minutes after 7!  Get up, “he yelled. The bus comes in a half hour , like any typical family our children get up, eat breakfast and head off to school and develop into adults living lives in one in some way or another. I am off work for a little longer, awaiting the last round of tests on my nerve damaged foot. Racing around the 2 of us, got the kids safely on the bus.
I’m glad Brian, my husband has been off work this week on vacation, doing chores around the farm and cutting wood to keep me warm in the upcoming months that seem to come very quickly. I was already exhausted from a surreal dream of someone in my past, and as I try and wipe my eyes to wake up I hope I didn’t talk in my sleep.
I looked out the window and it’s April 12, 365 days ago I was ready to end my life for the second time in 40 years. I am sick to my stomach thinking about how a year ago, my panic was so out of control. I wasn’t calling NO! help phone this time, I could help myself, something I had always seem to do. The trees,branches and every leaf is covered in crystal like frosting, representing angel wings or many feathers that appear in my life.

This week has been bazaar in many forces of energy have been around me. From a full blown panic attack on Monday to Yesterday I was surrounded by flashbacks of the past, I was in the house getting my coffee before heading to town. As I waited for the microwave to beep, When it Is Love, came on as I grabbed a memorable keychain I gave to my Mom, to put in the car.  I took in that moment and cranked the song as loud as it could go. Leaving the house, 5 minutes later I was stunned to feel my Moms presence with me. To town I went, I ran into people from the past, people whom I needed to talk to, a dime appeared in front of the Catholic Church and we stopped to pick it up. I even knew, one would appear for me, validation my Mom is with me. Nothing surprizes me anymore, as I am surrounded by unexplainable things.

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The scramble of my stomach tells me I should eat before a panic attack arises in the sound of the percolator in the coffee heightens my senses. The tips of my toes have been numb for four days as I’ve been experiencing so many emotions including the tragic bus crash in Canada that kill so many inspiring young man living out a dream to be the next best hockey player. I feel emotions stronger than the average individual at times, that’s just part of my wiring. Due to the mess of growing up in a disconnected environment or even just living to please others for so long, can be dangerous to ones health. A tangle wiring I’ve been trying to explain for so long and I’ve been interrupted way too many times.

I am mentally preparing to go back to the 15 year career, I love and built for me, no help from anyone… I  have come to need so much and they need me. Working Fulltime with 52 dementia residents is my lottery ticket, my dream come true. I have been plating seeds, and growing roots to allow others to learn to laugh more, love more and be a better human. We cannot 100% understand disease and illness of the brain. I have been trying to figure my own brain out for so long, sometimes with no luck!

365 days ago , I was topping an alarming 240 pounds, looking at my current 165 pound frame, self help has been successful this time in my life, excited to share with the world.

 

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As I walk around my house I have windows all around me witnessing the blanket a frost mother earth decided to give me on the morning or year ago I wanted to leave this world and everything in it because I felt helpless. Here is where I found my purpose that I knew all along, I’ve been helping the needy for so long. Waiting for validation from anyone, yet the only validation I truly needed was the validation from myself that I am above and beyond sincere and compassionate and to be humble that for so long I’ve been under the radar changing lives.
I have a sense of peace after 365 days although the flag is flying at half mast to honour those who lost their lives last week in Saskatchewan. I’m about to embark on an amazing project to change the lives of many living with disabilities, I am grateful for the lessons I am learning through this journey. If that attack didn’t take me here, I am sure no one wants to know where I could have.

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My fortune cookie last week stated  “Don’t lose out on this great opportunity ahead” I have no plans on it!  Life gave me purpose when I was on my knees, and never again I will go there thanks to the found need of Cannabis and Purpose!

Stay Happy!

 

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Welcome To My Story

Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience

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