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Chapter 15: Overdose

On going acid trips, 4 in total and a handful of bad discussions reaking of cheap perfume and stolen goods seemed to be not good for any young 15 year old developing brain, especially mine. This lifestyle can’t be good for anyone, young or old alike , or am I wrong? Feeling as though unable, to break free of the chains that hold me, clearly after choosing such sickening choices for myself. Almost being on a frequency many never can understand, that is where suffering starts believe it or not, was a turning point. Loneliness is where mental illness will brew just like a cuppa coffee seven days a week, creating a buildup of untreated emotion; Rear an ugly side of any personality or mood disorder.
I had a small group of friends, many of the older friends I grew up with stayed close. It was hard to do being in a town of 9000 , and stigma laden whispers from those no better living next door. Gotta be careful in a town like that, rumours always make its way through households or schools, like a virus bound by torment and anguish, I toughened up my shell. Knowing you can never change someone’s opinion, unless you’re willing to try sucks for anyone in a horrible state of affairs. Years of Walking a fine line between lost and found, time had a way of dealing with my ongoing troubles. In a normal family situation most children would have their actions corrected and corrected again. Why has it seemed as though no one wanted to help or seem as though anyone had an idea what to do with a youth in crisis? My heart needed some attention, it was building layers of walls and fences around it to avoid anymore heartache.

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My social worker enrolled me in Youth in Care Conference, where I met some individuals whom were much like me self. Sitting next to me was Carla, she was much older and because our lives had gone different yet similar unsettling paths. Telling her how sorry I was that she was living in such horrible conditions and a situation I only got a glimpse to see. We chit chatted about out lives and how odd things change. I smiled and danced like a normal young teenager learning about life in care and being a respectful decent human being. Little did my social worker know how sadly troubled I was as I lied many times on my tests (same tests I had to do for my medical marijuana doctors/clinic) this time I was honest. Being honest about mood, suicide thoughts and behaviors was scary when your alone in a room with a pencil and a miss wired brain. The ongoing stimulation in the head is exhausting at time as sometimes mental awareness is hard to turn off, that’s where the Cannabis the Chapter starts.
The course was 12 hours away in Sault Saint Marie and we took a small plane from Thunder Bay. I was excited as I need a bit of a diversion from partying, a part time job waitressing ; that left me tired as heck. Living an adult style lifestyle was really the only thing I knew. Long gone were the days of trying to fit in with extracurricular activities, innocent play and sneaking out of my bedroom window at midnight to meet the other kids, getting back in always posed an issue. The heavy aluminum storm door had a way of making a lot of unnecessary noises triggering a sleeping bear to wake. I was never caught in the thrill of late night sneak outs and stealing  parents alcohol, or maybe they knew? It really doesn’t matter, anymore.

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I often would drive by that same house with the foster parents, and the flashbacks come snapping in my memory like Morse code. Often still confused how things ended up so messed up in my life. I missed my brother whom also was growing up too fast and making sense of it all , himself. Humans seemed to bottle lots up, I did anyway. It was my only way of coping, we sometimes talked about “Mom, Life, Dad, Alcohol Abuse, anger issues and foster care. Weird how life has a way of coming around full circle.
That weekend ended and I felt a sense of renewal and energy as I made my way back to reality. Taking some good lessons and memories that allowed some seed to be planted. It was almost something to be celebrated, it was different yet almost what I needed. Something I’ve come to learn is the importance of relationships and connections. Meaningful conversation is something most don’t engage in, learning conversations tend to take a role in direction change. Someone like myself, found in such bizarre situations and strange places, which landed me in panic and despair.
Life was starting to shift directions, The use of chemical laden drugs was having an impact on everything currently in my life, going through the emotions of failed grades, no parents, friends whom couldn’t spend all their time with me as I can only imagine only what went through their minds. Wanting a glimpse of a sense of security, it wasn’t coming anytime soon. Sitting alone in my thoughts, it was my brain and my heart that had to guide me through the storms, I rarely opened up to talk to people about my situation as many knew it was a sensitive subject in a complex observation.

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Grade 10 was my last hit of acid, Sitting around watching a movie about fucked up shit when you’re fucked up didn’t appeal to me anymore. Natural Born Killers seemed to be the film of choice and after too many hits and too much of everything else, I woke up in a pike of sweat. My head pounding, cold, hungry and black mascara running down my face as if I was on an episode of Intervention, yet I was all alone. How did someone a few years earlier you had a dream to change the world through compassion end up on the path of drugs and distraction, sick and going no where.  Maybe the story was true that I wasn’t planned, a mistake and clearly after a postpartum depression and a mothers visit to our teacup reader outside of town, was when I first lost the love of my mother. A connection, a nightmare I have to live with daily. Being robbed from love hurts more than anything, at such a young age and learn you need to feel that emotion stronger up the road. Thinking that maybe I was just meant to flow through the world surviving on anything my brain can go numb from. I cried enough, angry enough at the world I decided I needed to smarten up… at least for a little while. Drugs weren’t over yet, just the acid.

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Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience

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