Couple years of foster care and high school have gone by in a blink of an eye and I was going nowhere with my life, Seemed as though it was hard for me to commit to anything,giving up on so many activities that could benefit me in the future such as piano lessons, gymnastics and bowling. I tend to quit most things I started, either being bored or losing interest. I guess it’s the quest of trying to fit in her find where you belong.
Laying in bed many nights staring at my ceiling wondering what the hell I was doing and how I got there, taking hours to fall asleep constantly. Resulting in many questions unanswered lingering in the stale silence of a bedroom that wasn’t really mine. Awoken to the operator do you except a collect call from, hearing the name “Irene” it was my mom’s voice, “yes I do , yes I do “ I replied to the operator who didn’t understand my plea. Press one to except the charges from ; and a pause “Irene” said my mom. I frantically pressed one until I can hear her say “hello” oh my god what a relief.She was alive, for now.
From one day to the next, always anxious about what would be lurking around the corner to see or learn. I would go months on end not hearing from her. Her voice was like a security blanket, I felt instantly happy. My security blanket has gone missing, the one I slept with for 8 years. I missed the tattering rubbed and ripped satin lined blanket. It was gone forever I thought, that’s why satin rubbing took the place of a security blanket. It was something to help relieve the anxiety of the unknown.
Being fortunate enough to have my own telephone number in my bedroom, I was able to make and receive calls in private. I don’t know if it was a phase or a trend at that point my life but singlet obsessed with having my own phone in my own phone number in my room at such a young age. And having the responsibility to pay the bill in full at 14 or 15 years old? Who remembers those phones that were clear ? You can see though ones that had all the colours and wires? I wanted one of those in a bad way, jealous of those friends who had one. Jealous in silence, is a terrible way to be.
All I wanted was to know was that my mom was alive, safe not sleeping on the streets of a scary alley in B.C somewhere. Any daughter would feel the devastation if they were in this position themselves:not dead in a ditch somewhere. The story’s she would tell me are what at times keeps me awake at night with spontaneous nightmares. Especially the story of being in a mental hospital, after being released with new pills and new ideas. A recipe for suicidal thoughts for someone with mental illness. walking down dark scary alleys holding a crucifix to your chest in hopes that the bad spirits don’t get you again. That’s pretty scary for anyone to hear when you don’t understand mental health, and once you start to mature and think about your own actions and the aware of this heightens about what is going on scared the living shit out of me. Was I going to turn out like my mother?
High school dances accompanying by dates, field parties and football games weren’t my thing, watching everyone around smile and look in love made me want to run. The Sadie Hawkins dances seemed the most popular, everyone going was kind of a big deal, no eyes were on me yet. Never was I the girl someone wanted, I was the outcast, weirdo, my quick to shutdown a nickname PQ for pornoqueen, started, I wasn’t a sex star.? or addicted to sex. I was still new to this kind of thing. but why? I wasn’t too bad, was I? A human whom just wanted someone to want me for me, understand me for once, feeling the love and security everyone should be entitled too! I think as humans that’s the feelings we all crave and linger for no? or it this a delusion. Our group was in grade 10 was known as the “skidders” cause we hung out at the one area of the high school where we could smoke cigarettes, smoke pot or even drink beer. Going back to class a little buzzed wasn’t nothing new, reeking from greasy pizza and cheap cigarettes we just indulged over on our lunch break, the same place I work as a waitress.
That is when it happened, just before the noon bell, was this navy blue Chevy truck pulling into the licence place beside the school. Out jumped this tall dark haired handsome guy, what? Where did he come from? I laughed with the girls. . I kind a got excited with a little bit of butterflies in my stomach as I’ve never seen this guy before, he clearly wasn’t part of the high school because he was driving a company vehicle. As the sound of my heart beat like a drum, over this mysterious guy, who just walked into this business next to the school… I think I blacked out in excitement. I had to wait till he came out to better get a better look at him. He was cute, big green eyes and slender. Yikes, I felt this before but different. Holy shit, he spotted me, needing to know who this guy was, on a mission asking questions around the older group and voila he had a name. His sister was one year older or so and I kind knew of her, she was pretty and has similar features as he did.
Normally, if my eyes are set on something I go for it no hesitation. It’s part of my personality, and I won’t stop unless it puts me in my place. I was about to find out….the foster parents weren’t very keen on me dating someone five years older than I was, but as I sat at the kitchen table explaining to them my maturity level was that much more different than the average 15-year-old soon-to-be 16. Already experiencing more than what most humans ever will experience in a lifetime and I knew I could handle this. If anything, who knows it may not go well right!?!
The only thing I had to go on being in grade 10 and knowing anything about relationships, was what was in front of me , what I grew up with witnessing, and of course watching the good ol’ young in the restless. I had a fascination with wanting someone to just be so crazy about me and that will make everything better. I believe my hormones, drug use an ongoing behaviour issues contributed to growing up too quickly resulting in many bad decisions. It was exciting dating someone out of high school we had a lot in common, he was different and he was afraid to show it, as I looked at them I told him it was OK because I was different too and I wanted him to open up to me and for a little bit he did, before he put up the walls in his own world.
He himself had a brush with a suicide attempt, alcohol was definitely a factor in the accident, he wanted to end his own life too, he wasn’t successful and it wasn’t until years later after the incident, proving to him that true love exists through sincerity and compassion, me. I showed him how to accept faults, love the skin your in. The beautiful trauma we are, in a mess of a world. That is why I don’t like guns, it’s a reminder of my journey and those who are part of it I’m a believer and commitment, in those 10 months I gave him the love I could, he watched me be silly, crazy and irresistible with my infectious laugh and love for life. On my 16th birthday a dozen roses were delivered to my foster home to celebrate and a beautiful fancy dinner awaited. Wow, I’m now a big girl!! Going places and passing for 21 years old was dangerous and exhilarating, i loved the adrenaline especially when the “high” came, the manic phase of my psyche.
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Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience