It was now Christmas time and I was meeting his family, and of course nervous as hell because I was so young. He was from a proper family, and well known in the community. In a small town of 9000 people, my reputation wasnt the greatest. Maybe I was overthinking it? I was excited that year, as I was able to spend some money on somebody I was starting to deeply care about and I was excited about the socks,underwear and sweaters that were purchased with the money I made from telemarketing. What a terrible job that was. The best thing was not having to steal to get the little gifts that I wanted to buy. Slowly I was learning the value of a dollar from good role models. What does a 14 year old buy for a 20 year old man? He got things like cologne and socks of course, it was the thought that counts I was taught.
It was my turn to open up my gift, excited knowing it was jewellery by the size of the box, it was a supposed to be a watch, a beautiful white and yellow gold watch so I can tell time. It was a sweet gesture and it was amazing to feel the love that sad day. The watch didn’t get wrapped in the box as for some reason the lady had a moment where her brain wasn’t working. “ is this a joke” I asked him as he was as stunned as I was. It wasn’t a joke and he would be making a phone call to the jewelery store after the holidays. We couldn’t understand how someone could miss such a big deal? An empty box, we laughed that evening.
We had channel 9 on the TV on and one of my moms favourite songs “Harvest Moon” came on. As I wasn’t with my anyone but him, it was a moment we snuggled on the couch and sang the song together. A moment I will forever remember, a time I was not scared, worried or alone. I was falling in love, I felt love, a real love with no judgement or rules.
God only knew what my other loved ones were doing that day, Christmas time was about family and our family was broken, disconnected and different than most. I don’t know if my mom had a meal that Christmas Day, that stopped me from fully enjoying my dinner that night. Constantly wondering when I would get the next collect phone call from her, or maybe even just see her again would be nice. I always have been sad on special occasions as i have little recollection of those young years. I smiled and put on my costume of happiness so others didn’t know how much I struggled inside.
We have a lot of fun together, driving around listening to Nazareth and Blind Melon. I was in the transition of moving out of my current foster home of 2 years, into another temporarily confusing situation. This time I was moving in with a senior couple who are very religious, I was forced to watch a Videos of what 666 meant and how to live by the bible . I remember so many VHS movies later maybe came to realize this home was again not for me, but I wasn’t given the choice in the matter. Because there is nowhere for me.
I had to learn to adjust to the rules of the game of life even if it meant putting on a smiling face making those believe I was healthy in my mind, but that was further eat from the truth. I was able to get a phone for my room as the only phone available was in the room were two senior people sad all day long day in and day out watching the same Gospel Channel and listening to the same Christian music day after day. I will be honest, even though they’re living preferences wasn’t something Practiced in my life, I never judged them and I took care of them like they were my own grandparents I never had an opportunity to fully enjoy. Their guidance would play a role In my journey.
I was still in the habit of sneaking out, and manoeuvring my way so I can get my way and sometimes gambling against all odds. abiding by the rules as much as I could, there’s always something about breaking the law or defining the rules to accommodate my own selfish ways I found energetic and thrilling to getaway with. I understand the meaning of adreneiline.
To understand mental illness, you need to breathe it, you need to breathe it, you need to live it, see it, hear it, feel it and be at to understand mental illness and if you’re a survivor , you can talk about it. That’s the difference between education and real life people. The ones who are it; are the ones who can make a difference in this world.
I was still in the habit of sneaking out, and manoeuvring my way so I can get my way and sometimes gambling against all odds. Strange to have others raising you, yet not. It was although people were being paid to feed me, clothe me and make sure I attended school. Doing my best, I tried to feel normal, behave normal as well as try not to fall in love for someone who was losing interest quickly. Who was kinda like me, a diamond in the rough. Someone who is misunderstood and a little fucked up. Being turned on by that, is dangerous love for anyone; Yet proving love has no limits.
I’m not really sure where about’s things went wrong, he had started to act weird, I wonder it realized I lied about having my drivers licence and asked to borrow his truck to move my stuff from one foster home to another . Shit, it was awesome cruising the four laners in my boyfriends sexy truck as busy bodies looked on wondering who was driving the gorgeous forest green step side.
Of course He wasn’t impressed, but that didn’t stop him from attending my new jobs work party. Drinking, playing cards and enjoying drugs was on the agenda that weekend, he joined us and we loved our time together as we always did. After he left for back to town, I stayed back. Dared to run naked from the cabin, down to the dock, do a shake and dance, jump in and rub back for 20 usd. Of course I said “my naked body was worth more than that” so the vodka shots and bets were adding up quickly on the table before me. I made some money that day and gave everyone a show except for my boyfriend who bailed hours early. I M crazy that way, those who know my buttons to press can be dangerous to my self awareness.
He won’t take my phone calls, even going to the extent of putting a secret line on his phone and giving it to his guy friends that way he knew it wasn’t me calling. Because of my sneaky ways I got a hold of that phone number and was able to know that he was home that day. I walked seven blocks to his house, thank God his roommate wasn’t home because I let myself in. It wasn’t gonna work he said, without giving me any reason that was it. It was over it was done, and again with no explanation someone I cared and came to fall in love with at such a young age was gone from my life , but not for long. I turned again to drugs, manic behavior and throwing myself at any guy who would show me attention. A dangerous love, for a mentally troubled young girl.
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