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Chapter 18: Beauty Queen

Laying in bed I felt almost sick to my stomach knowing the relationship is over, the last 10 months have been the best 10 months I had experienced I think since I was a kid when the world seems so much simpler and happier. Confused in the tears, asking myself what was wrong with me? How can something be so good and and so quick. The quest for answers was almost immediate, sharing so many intimate moments I thought he was the one the one I was going to marry have children with and live happily ever after. Boy was I evergiven a wake up call. As a lot of ways it was a relationship he or I was ready for, pretty sure he had his own issues and I really still wasn’t clear about why he would want to take his life. I loved that mysterious side of him, I lay in bed at night trying to figure out what he was thinking and if it was about me. I was head over heels, being my first love and all I had nothing to compare it to. Men knocking down my door if you know what I mean, not yet. Men are complex, simple yet intriguing, he was beyond that and more.

There were moments where he swept me off my feet, heck that’s where I learned with an orgasm was and also where I had to fake one many times. I’ve never have been attracted to someone for their vanity, always going with my instinct. If the heart pitter patters or if the butterflies come alive? Without the attraction in the first place many of us would still be wondering about how we stay attracted in the first place, through change can be hard. We now we’re having fun, falling in love in a place of hopelessness. Turning my frustration into anger, going into what we know as depression,calling it my  lights are out phase !!! as I call it!  it is where emotions are turned off where Physically able to  go numb but stay positive in a weird way.

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I don’t know why ? but driving my friends crazy daily , listening to my whine and complain, driving around his house in my best friends red topaz. Seems nuts to me now, then it was normal. Like holy shit he must have known it was me? I think about it now and I wonder how the hell was I so out of control . Kitty corner to his house was my elementary school, and on the corner was a large pine tree or group of trees. I can remember one night after drinking, I swore there was another girl involved so I staked out side of his house in those trees watching people come and go. One of my girlfriends, at that point knew the intensity of my emotions and the dynamics of our connection. Someone could’ve hit me with a bat and I would’ve felt it, I was love struck, yet  it wasn’t long before I was back into the swing of things. Reaking havoc , testing the limits of my own world of kaos.

The legal drinking age in Manitoba was 18 months away from my 17th birthday, equipped with a fake ID and some knowledge under my belt how to act mature if needed, the road trip with Was underway. Sitting beside her thinking I bet I was the last person she asked to go,  that’s OK as I wanted to get away from the drama of chasing someone who didn’t want me either. Ready to shake things up a little bit in Winnipeg that weekend, take my mind off it. Wearing my mother’s old engagement ring to look older, it all was a way to get into the bars.

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What an adrenaline rush, walking into the liquor store in Manitoba am walking out with beer knowing you’re underage. I smoke like cigarettes so I must’ve been old enough to buy them? So you would think. Back at the hotel we enjoyed our smokes and beer before we headed down  to Monty’s bar below, Where we met a group of guys , in early that day Sitting watching the female strippers as I smoked my cigarettes.  Seeing other women’s breasts didn’t bother me, flying around I giggled, again wondering why I was sitting in Winnipeg watching female strippers on a Friday afternoon? I really didn’t care; still numb about the relationship that wasn’t going anywhere and how it just seemed that my life was such a mess. Having my friends in my corneR was all I needed it seemed at the moment. They were the best friends, I’ve ever had, they accepted me. Yet I can’t marry my friends or sleep with them so, we humans look for that kinda of love that fairytales are made up of.

So that night we partied hard and this guy ended up tying my satin thing I rub, around his head realizing we needed to kick these guys out and fast. knowing this Rob guy was into me and he was cute too needing a photo op just in case I wanted to try make my old boyfriend jealous.

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Young girls are crazy that way. We bar hopped, and decided to go down to Osborne Village where I got my nose pierced and a tattoo on my back; a cross , to remind me of my mom with my initials MD. Earlier I enrolled in the towns miss fun in the sun pageant thinking I actually had an opportunity to kick some ass but really it was just because I was pressured into going because one of my other friends was in it. It was rigged, just like anything else in life. Especially when the judges had a conflict of interest, I’ve come to learn many lessons in life especially about hierarchy and politics. Usually, trying everything once , here I was running for the town’s fitness pageant coming back from Winnipeg Manitoba with a whole new look with about me. It was my way of getting out the built-up frustration of us our relationship, no parents, never seeing my brother unless in the hallways of high school, Starting to wonder exactly what was truly wrong with me.  After I had found myself being questioned by the judges of my past, I remember feeling anxious as I didn’t understand if they would except me being a foster child and maybe they would charge why I was there. They told me I wasn’t allowed to have my nose pierced as it was against the rules, looking in the mirror trying to remove a stud was painful and I can still remember laughing To myself about the crazy weekend before. Chopping my long Curley hair, I rebelled against myself.

If I wanted to try and make a difference, I had to be ready to show that I was ready to be more responsible. Maybe that would prove it was worth keeping, in the romantic relationship I was trying to get over. That allowed a distraction in my life, I was able to focus on something different and it was exciting at the same time.

That allowed a distraction in my life, I was able to focus on something different and it was exciting at the same time. I was now,  living in a new foster home with a new outlook and a broken heart I decided to put together a play, I make myself look like a beauty queen.

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I needed a sponsor and it was perfect as my old foster parents owned a leisure audio business, and he agreed to sponsor me in the pagent. It is where I found my creative ability to put together a sash of some of my favourite colors, able to show my Personality in just some ribbon. The day came or we had to have her photos taken and everybody decided to do something simple, beautiful and elegant. Of course the way I work, I had to stand out. Telling the photographer I wanted to walk through the water to sit on a rock even though it was deep and I had to lift up my shorts just to get there, not taking no for an answer out I went.

 

 

 

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Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience

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