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Failed

Sitting on the rock 10 feet out from the shore just to try and get the perfect photo of myself , was my moment to possibly enjoy something for me. Having NO chance in hell of winning regardless of what I did. It be a month of fun events around town, making buttons, fashion shows as well as trying to get people to vote for you.

Things not taught in my younger days, how to behave. Trying to find those to show their support was daunting, yet I had a few sold. Funny how life works,I only had a few people in my corner st tho but that’s all I needed to muster enough bravery  making fool of myself on the stage with no talent, that picture will surface. Nervous dancing on stage acting out a skit in hopes to be awarded bragging rights to an a award was the   The most nerve-wracking thing I would say bwas being interviewed and asked questions about my involvement in the community, the judges already knew my brush with the law and already knew I was a criminal. Honesty has a power only if you can except, explaining I learned a lot about being a criminal through my volunteer work with community living. With nothing to lose I held my head high, explaining what I was learning along the crazy journey of mine so far. Being a young offender is an something to brag about, Imagine a thief, a liar, a failing student with a broken disfunctional family, step family and a foster family none whom would take the effort to correct any issues with true compassion.

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Why was no one interested in helping a child go down the right path? Why was it up to me to learn how to act and had nothing to go on. There’s no Internet, I never read books, just magazines as I skim through Wording of the latest teen magazine in hopes for answers to my quest for why am I so troubled?!

There’s a lot that can happen to someone’s brain while in development, how can I be so different. I silent feel kind normal person ever, I wasn’t the chosen one. How are people chosen anyway, some people reign when the financial lottery, the family lottery, a career lottery, a maybe this person just won the sincerity lottery in which this person needs to feel pain on a regular basis, a struggle ending in scary places. 

Those feelings and no one ever wants sadness, loneliness, neglect and despair those emotions running through my blood my heart pumps them stronger every year it seems. I’ve mastered the art of digging out of a hole, crawling out of foggy darkness. 

 

Wasn’t long and the facade was over and so was the pageant. Placing last wasn’t lthe end of the world, that’s OK, it was an experience and it taught me a bit about myself. Focussing more on adult relationships, drugs alcohol and sex , Holding the title of Miss fun in the sun 1994 would only provide a circus for the town to clean up. I’m not sure if they knew years prior and my mom had put me in the miss miny queen pageant, At that time I also was against the same array of girls. Knowing there’s a picture circling around of my beautiful innocence, makes me smile. Going home empty handed again was a disappointment, for a child with genetic mental illness. 

brown and white bear plush toy

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Even in all the years my mom was sick, all her life really she may sure I got what I wanted. Going to all measures just to make sure she showed her love. Opening the door to the past and travelling back in time, Now interviewing those who knew about what was going on. And the same answer I keep getting is that no one knew about mental illness at all they can do this for about was how Mitzi was showing signs, Signs of a dark path the path that her mom has been travelling on for far too long.

Even a failed beauty queen building a heart of gold was about to learn more about addictions and danger. After many failed one night relationships, pressurized emotions were building, why the first true love , couldn’t love me back. He would except my 3 AM invitations as he had his own place. Perfect for a girl like me who can get aroused on a whim, abnormal was a girl so inexperienced. Feeling like a victim of being used for nothing for just fun and sex,  clearly being on separate pages. Walking into his house in rage I screamed “Why!!!” I threw his watch he gifted me as a sign of his “what” 10 months of interest? As he laid alone on the couch. He was speechless presenting a look of , I wasn’t expecting this look. Wanting more of something not in the cards per say, turning to cocaine, that weekend. Being told it would take it all away and give me the best sex in the world, saying Yes, clearly  in the wrong place at the wrong time, here in a mental breakdown.

 

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Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience

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