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Chapter 19: My Moms Back

I can still remember the party as if it was yesterday, Struggling emotionally with not only the loss of a dysfunctional family , I was now struggling to understand why I couldn’t be loved back by the opposite sex. I wasn’t the best looking girl on the street but I wasn’t the worst if you know what I mean I had all the teeth in my head and my eyes are  a pretty green, I struggled with my weight but I was average my personality was a little out there, but it was infectious tending to draw a crowd, whom we’re also on the same search for a positive zest of life. So alive, you can touch the sky. It exists in this world, not knowing it yet what the story may hold. I chose danger.

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The genre music playing wasn’t anything that could get you up dance in anyway, for some reason headbanging was popular after watching those other town socials get headaches from smashing their head back-and-forth to this kind of trash music. I watch the lines of cocaine be split up, and as they invited whoever to come up and enjoy I could feel my hands sweaty, and the voice inside my head said you said you would never do this? Yet here I was 16, turning 17 soon. With teased curly hair cut off and sporting a new look, smoking , drinking , living life on the edge, dangerously troubling to any parent. Once being told  my Dad laid awake at night worrying about me, to me that is horseshit. I never got a phone call to say hey can I take you for coffee and talk, come to your graduation help you pay for college and maybe just tell you I’m very proud of you? True colours will always arise towards the sky for all to see, it takes patience and time to see a flower or a weed. 

Those voices in my head continue to say don’t do it yet the one side of me said”  fuck it”I gave into the demons that often haunt me. Being in darkness can be very scary, as I took the straw I close my eyes and I prayed for forgiveness that night.

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Staying up till 6 AM to watch the sun come up messed up with a bunch of strangers going home alone to me wasn’t a party. Nor was it anything to be proud of. I did a lot of reflecting within the next 24 hours after my use of cocaine. My mom was back in town, but the miraculous news that she was moving back to Ontario. Dropping off her suitcase at the Friendship Centre , presenting a sign to wake up, something to look forward to having; A Mom, to celebrate life with! Catch up on old stories, spend quality time with, have a meaningful relationship with, gitty as a kid I asked the CAS to allow me to have my own apartment.  Undergoing a series of routine questionnaires, granted the keys to my first apartment I was excited.

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Undergoing a series of routine questionnaires, granted the keys Living with senior citizens cramped my style, watching on going episodes of church and the devil cause me a little anxiety. Upon moving out they gifted me a Bible, a Bible that always makes me smile although I’ve never read it, you never know one day it may need of on my side table.  Learning a few valuable morals and values while I lived under their roof such as respect, how vunerable seniors are, how much I missed my own grandparents ; didn’t have any for myself , adopting them really i fell in love with both of them. Sad to go, yet that Chapter was over.

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Mature than most teenagers, promising I would go to school and keep up my grades and attendance. The real game breaker, how my mom was moving back therefore needing a place to stay. She needed to return back to British Columbia to gather a few things, she dumped things along her travels With the intent to go back to retrieve them. Many of those items were pictures of myself and my brother when we were children, now lost forever. My hopes and dreams of an amazing reunion it failed to present itself. I was delusional, thinking I could be the daughter my Mom left behind. It was a battle, no one could win. Her mental illness had taken on a new depth of complexity, very dark side ; so dark it scares me. A hole, I will soon come to know as my hormones change and develop all alone in the world.

 

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Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
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