I normally know when I’m going to have one of those kind of days, struggling to smile, laugh just feel normal. I can feel it the minute my eyes open it’s a feeling of disconnection from the world. It’s a sad feeling as if I’m about to do this world a disservice by getting out of bed. I poured my normal cuppa coffee, as the bathroom filled with steam from the hot water in the shower I looked in the mirror and told it to be strong today.
After not allowing the world to see what goes on within me especially my children, now at a critical age in their development. Sometimes it can’t be helped, As if your brain goes to inactivity then into misfiring little magnetic neutrons back-and-forth confused on what the message is supposed to be relaying . It happens quite often, more so now that I’m aging gracefully. I got that going for me anyway. After getting out of the shower, feeling relieved momentarily after realizing I was running short on time, I then start to get anxiety and panic. I’m never the late person, and being late drives me crazy. I got sick, as if I work myself up to the point where I do get sick. Thank God I have children who told me to slow down and that’s OK mom not not always do it all. Learning to slow down, isn’t selfish as I come to also learn. Maybe I can change the world. I had a feeling I would be down in the dumps today as yesterday was Father’s Day and it was the second year I did not send a card to my father who yes is alive, not a exemplary example of a great father figure that’s for sure. Another thing I learned I was robbed off. Now my kids get robbed off, makes me resentful and that’s not me. Saying goodbye was part of my healing. It still isn’t easy.
It’s tough to explain depression to someone, especially major depression disorder, something we are looking into. When depressive episodes lasting from 3 to 14 days long or longer in my case can be months, and this wild world we live in I am beating the odds in that department. Hence why I just started writing a book about my life, it may save someone more younger and less brave than me. I have to be strong to talk about it, as I have excepted everything that has transpired.
Crying at the drop of a hat sometimes can be awkward when you’re in a situation where there’s people around. Today someone didn’t think I was OK and I had to tell her I was ok, just that I can cry in the rain. Imagine if I told her don’t worry about me I think about suicide sometimes more days in others, I won’t hurt myself so you don’t need to worry. This feeling can last anywhere from 20 seconds to three minutes, and in that timeframe you need to learn some self awareness and survival skills to get through it. I have mastered that art, my mom never had an opportunity to be aware , get help and stick to the plan . That’s the key to survival. nothing beats a good walk in the garden to smell the roses, and hear the birds
I survived another struggling mental day, I made many smile, laugh and be loved by my personality and upbeat positive nature. It’s those dark moments , where people don’t know how to get out of.
Making a difference is my hope. That is why #iamhere
Welcome To My Story
Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience