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Dear diary,

It’ was July 7, our daughter‘s 11th birthday. Right now were thousands of miles away from our home and everything that provides necessary comfort. Been at the lakes is part of my heritage, swimming boating and enjoying my hometown was I remember it. I’m a very simple person, not expecting much. Like a feather in the wind, gypsy free-spirited attitude doesn’t take me much to make me happy. A town called Fort Frances does cause me anxiety, so many horrible things happened here not just to myself but others and I’ve witnessed how cruel humans can be. Some of the best people also live and work here, not having time with them is a very big disappointment.

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One thing with anxiety, is you become accustomed to a certain set of expectations not only for yourself but from other people as well. When those expectations arent met, Not only can it cause a constant array of issues within the relationship or friendship. You could put someone into a depressive state or self sabotage if their expectations continue to be unmet. As I walked on a gravel road with nothing but poplar trees wild rabbits in the lake around me: The frantic sound of deer flies as the wind picks up due to an oncoming possible storm has me questioning my own expectations of my journey across Ontario.

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The biggest ones everything I was looking forward to, has not happened. It takes me back to last October when I was so winter they couldn’t walk so I flew home is my brother would cook for me and take me fishing and I can spend some time recovering from another foot ankle sprain that now has led me to nerve damage and then the rehab specialist trying to figure out how to fix it. I’m working through it successfully “thank god”.

I understand things can never stay the same people grow up and mature and move on with our lives but the one thing that should remain same is staying true to your family members who have been loyal to you all their life. As my brother embraced a relationship with someone whom he fell truly in love with and everything about her life. I wasn’t able to see the side of her up until October when her jealousy , constant attention , need for control and narcissistic behaviour to my brother was evident. I don’t get into my brothers relationships and he doesn’t get into my marriage as every relationship has its issues, ups  and downs and highs and lows, it’s what you do with those periods in life that you feel as though your sink is sinking; with crisis is on the Horizon. That’s where having someone you trust , talk to you , open up too. This is where mental illness can start, lost in your own sad , lonely  thoughts. Addiction, loves these moments of vulnerability. Knowing all about Crisis and intervention, I lived through mental health and illness, not only hand in hand with my late Mom Irene, but with myself , my own mental illness and recovery. Having awareness was the key, I studied the human brain and college many times, believing education isn’t all you need to know the difference between the two. I live it, breath it and taste it and not only do I have the education I also have the experience to deal with it . Also with the experience comes wisdom as well as awareness to help others,  see the truth and understand it yourself.

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After leaving northwestern Ontario in October of last year I was sick and with the feeling that my brother could be taking advantage of , A woman who’s been married three times with 3 amazing children from two different men, trying to rush a ring on her finger gives me a red flag. Yet innocent until proven guilty, I give someone 3 or 4 chances, as my brothers now taking care of five people and not one. It took an anxiety attack in the outhouse,  to therefore make me roll up some flower,  waking me alone to the dock. Where the wild blueberries are abundant and in full season. A childhood memory imprinted in a happy period, with my family.  It is there when I stopped and looked in the sky as a tear went down my face, I felt my mom’s presence very strong every time I was near the blueberry bushes. I said “ mom, If you can hear me right now, I need you to send a sign to Michael, needing you to tell him, warm him about the danger of what’s happening” Help him wake up and open his eyes to what is happening , I can’t lose my brother too …. “he needs to hide who he is, he can’t be himself and we seen it. That isn’t right in my books.

Love can be blinding, I know about manipulation mom and so do you. Michael needs love in his life, and as a witness to the same behaviour I run from it was my time to be honest to him. Trying to find the not so perfect moment to have such a heart to heart talk that could take us down a terrible road, a road I avoid. The road of disconnection, a terrible road.

The next morning, as though a lightning bolt from the sky her personality changed like a dime flipped in the sky as a game of heads or tails. He gave me the phone to read the text messages she was firing off as we were trying to have one final fish before we left the next day another 22 hours of a painful ride across Ontario, as the pain of my possible “fibromyalgia” can cause unnecessary crankiness,I had edibles to help and it wasn’t bad at all… again the power of the human brain to think positive. 

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Unfortunately my brother slept in, leaving me drinking infused coffee awaiting the arrival of a monster walleye on the lake I grew up on. Times stolen from mental illness, leaving children to fend for themselves at the young age of 9, time was going so fast and the anticipation of getting on the lake was almost over and back to life so different than the pace of lake life. The disappointment of not getting out fishing as much as I hoped turned into resentment to a woman who I never got a chance to even give the opportunity to become part of our family. She left me with a bad taste in my mouth since October and how she treats my loved one had me concerned, as I am a strong believer of these values respect, forgiveness, no judgment, love, compassion , sincerity and bravery. I don’t live on a one way road, I never have. I live on a road of giving and community. She knew I had anxiety and I felt as though she tried to play on the fact, that it’s not a competition for my brothers attention. I should never have to compete against another woman whom has proven, to not be anything like me. Had me asking would she be a friend? And the answer I got was No, she has her own agenda and I’m also not part of it. I’m ok with that, but don’t sabatoage our vacation for selfishness, it never wins.  Yet trying to divert my brothers need to spend time with his own family had my anxiety and high gear as I believe in family.

After the text messages that were firing off I said to my brother I need to tell you something and I’m going to give it to you straight up. I feel you’re being used to being taken advantage of , I also think it’s a relationship of convenience as your girlfriend should never charge your room and board. Because he don’t charge her room and board when she comes up the lakes, to fish, use his gas and his boat which by the way was $180 to fill. It’s not cheap to live in northwestern Ontario, Everything is expensive from food/gas and all the amenities of a Bordertowne adds up. My half a case of near beer was even $15, but I enjoy the taste of beer and as I chose to not drink alcohol again as it doesn’t agree with me and changes my personality terribly , that was a wake up call. 

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I told him if that was what he wanted and if that young relationship which was in its infancy not even passed the honeymoon stage yet and there’s trouble in the air every three months, is a sign of something you may not want to embark down such later in life. Having to sacrifice a lot of things he loves such as hunting and fishing with his friends to deal with the nonsense and drama of the aftermath of taking some time for himself, had me explaining what his life could look like when the relationship is only on her terms and not a give-and-take which it should be.

We spent the day fishing and slaughtering fish in the lake, there is nothing but smiles and laughter which I anticipated when we arrived a week earlier, I never did get to enjoyMaking Smore’s by a campfire, and my brother didn’t get the opportunity to make my favourite meal called Keoken, a Dutch cheap boiled dough and sausage meal: worthy of undoing your button of your pants and waiting for the heavy sleepy feeling. A meal worthy of making once a year, that didn’t happen. It doesn’t take much to keep me happy, but it goes to show having unmet expectations can lead to an array of issues you later may have to deal with in the future. I’m OK with what went on on both trips, I’m more aware of others behaviours as I’m a magnet it seems to people who just don’t know how to treat other humans properly. I can only hope and pray that her mistakes in the way she Treated my brother, in hopes that her behaviour would go elusive and Unnoticed. And thank God I was able to be honest with my brother opening up to him about how I felt, ready for any consequence that came my way because that’s how much I love him. Everyone I talk to, all saying the same song which made me realize I’m not crazy was shoving him in the right direction so that he doesn’t end up not only heartbroken, but broke. And everything that he worked hard for against all odds would be gone. And I’m not going to allow that to happen. People need to understand emotional abuse, is just as scary as physical abuse. I also know about abuse, that’s why I started Lady Edible to share my story… abuse is not allowed here . 

More about my trip to the north on a totally brighter note, it was amazing!

stay happy

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Welcome To My Story

Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience

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