Sitting across from vinyl lined train bench’s, filled with men drinking beer and smoking cigarettes on the way to Sarnia for a colleges open house. Awaiting a decision about my future to which college I would attend for a Law and Security program. It be a long two years of studying, but I am envision city life, people and music. I was just getting comfortable with learning the importance of a good education and good grades, applying yourself to the fullest for your advantage wasn’t something that was being taught at home. Not to me it seemed anyway. I even think I asked one time if I was adopted, as even at the age of 17 I felt different and alone.
My outgoing nature, ability to talk to people was a quality a lot of people long for. Effortlessly making aquatinces around every corner, called alleys. Those in your corner also dancing to the beat of the same drum. One of the gentleman didn’t like me very much and that was OK, I think he had a bit of sun stroke and he wasn’t feeling very good maybe from his last visit to wherever he was. It was my way to get free beer, as I wasn’t even if age to drink alcohol but Donning a fake ID I made the year earlier for my visits to Manitoba. If there is a will there is away, and I was the lady for it. As Charles Manson and I giggled and laughed about how much you look like him he allowed me to take a picture that I can’t find it right now. I imagine it will show up as I’m a hoarder of important details, photos and paperwork.
My life in a folder, a human without her own fingerprint, Looking for a sense of volatility done and not known road. As I finish my beers and cigarettes, I made my way back up to the observation deck where I can view the beauty of southern Ontario deep in thought. Excitingly waiting the anticipation of the arrival of my possible new land to set up camp at, I knew the mystery man would be joining me for a night of dinner and dancing. It would be a long drive for him as well to come and see me and as he anticipated the end of the day of Work where he can take the track to Sarnia made me realize he was into me.
Giddy as a little kid, with maybe $200 in my wallet I took a tour of the school, going to the meetings and picking up literature on what to expect from the college. As a smoker, prone to asthma as I know my parents smoked in the house and car when I was quite young, maybe even when I was in womb? Who fucking knows? Sorry Mia is an industry town, a heaviness in the air from the vapour of the machines high above. I hard a hard time breathing in Sarnia, resulting in a decision to throw away the idea of a future here. Just because I learned early on that Saturday was not the lucky destination it didn’t mean having fun was out of the question. I was invited to a dorm party the first night. As I made a tour of the rooms, saying hello to the tenants of Dorm 1- I danced around and clap my hands and show them how much I enjoyed their college.
Heaven for bid I told him that I had already made my decision, as I know humans can be cruel and they may not even show me around the city tomorrow or give me any help along the way.
As I awoke in a strange dorm room fully clothed, I think everybody for the hospitality for the last 24 hours. I was going to go rent a hotel room nearby for the night, have a nice shower and put on some nice clothes and make up for a new man who was interested in me, yes me.
The man from New Year’s Eve, sitting across from me there he was. Good looking, long face and sultry eyes, 5’8 kissable lips and a voice that would make any women vibrate here he was… Buying me supper, as the butterflies danced over a can of Rickards Red! I was hooked, line and sinker. We chatted school, goals and dreams. I held back who I was, how I grew up and when I asked about my parents I quickly change the subject. It wasn’t something I wanted to talk about. Feeling judged, vulnerable wasn’t my thing. Yet in my brain , constantly feel anxiously judged, ridiculed under microscopes. A feeling hard, to kick to the curbside. Being responsible or your own self esteem and happiness is hard for a solo gypsy girl looking for her ultimate destination in life.
No one had prepared me, for all these adult like experiences, real feelings versus fake in your head type feelings. Attraction is what leads us to a partner, everything else then falls into place. As I’m aware a relationship cat last solely on attraction. Knowing as you get older, things may start to change such as your body shape, your breast won’t be as perky as they are right now, maybe my bum will start to sag like the wrinkles around my eyes, the ones I am in love with because they’re me. My laugh lines, my storylines. I don’t need expensive cream to tell me I’m beautiful.
As we finished our dinner we made our way to the local pub where the group I met during my visit to the college was there dancing the night away. Watching him, he held my hand and I smiled. It was a feeling I wasn’t sure if that could last and it had me worried. As “ cotton eyed Joe” bee hopped out of the speakers, I felt the rhythm of the night. As we danced clapped and drink our way through the night, we embraced a slow dance, it felt great to be in arms again. Not the arms for a man I longed for now 2 years, a new man totally different. How exciting!
He spent the night with me in my hotel room,awakened to a packed bag and suitcase and a one way return ticket to Winnipeg. The train leaves in a couple hours, and I enjoyed every minute of my night I told him. Unsure of what the future holds he kissed me goodbye, and as I turn to board the train, I waved and a tear filled my left eye.
Reflecting about my weekend for the next 24 hours as I travel north west back to my stomping grounds, had me excited about what was in store. But the trip wasnt an over yet, when this train pulls into the station there be someone waiting for me. Someone I have never met before, someone who looks like me, someone who has the same mother and he was given up for adoption many years ago. As a new group of butterflies swarmed in, I realized I was meeting my sister for the first time After years ago sitting at the kitchen table being told the stunning news that we had a sister out there. I had found her as well, and I was about to find out who she was, and if she really was like me and my mom. As I closed my eyes, I envisioned her, my Mom, my life and the vision was comforting. My emotions was up and down like a yo-yo , Crazy with anticipation, scared as hell and the fear of the unknown all balled up in one emotion, laying in bed at the hostel I couldn’t sleep that night, so I went for a walk and not alone down the dark streets of Younge Street.
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Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience