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Chapter 27: Fire

Waking up to a cup of ambition, a little pep in the step I realized there is more to life than to go nowhere town, where as it felt nobody want to be. Getting out of a one-way town was imperative to growth and positive change, from one day to the next into a new direction as a shift in the master plan. Reporting to my social worker upon my return with stories were made for the movies were told.

My mom really had a daughter, giving her up for adoption many years ago may play the role in her mental illness. My mom longed to find Diana, in hopes she would have that relationship she couldn’t give at the time. Boy would life be different if she didn’t give her up, She would’ve met my dad, had my brother, had me. Realizing that life is so precious, yet so bizarre it would frustrate me as I have answers. What is the truth? Half the time I can realize if the stories are told to me were true or not, So many weird twists and turns that some of the answers I was finding were quite dark and disturbing.

moon and stars

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Once I started to to take myself to those places to try and understand what went wrong would start to scare the living shit out of me. Skeletons in the closet can be extremely taunting and in my life mysterious. My 2nd Street apartment was too expensive for me to take as finding a roommate at such a young age wasn’t easy. I had about a year left to go before I was off to school. Ironically enough my mom was renting a very tiny bachelor house around the corner from me. It was walking distance, from the 1940s shag apartment, Currently called home.

My mom suggested I moved in with her temporarily until I was ready to go to school which will give us some time to “catch up”. I was still waitressing at Papa Joes Pasta and Pizzeria. I was an excellent dependable worker, willing to work any shift to make enough money for my upcoming one-way flight to Toronto Ontario. Knowing one year would come and go so quickly I had to put my plan in motion. 

photography of airplane during sunrise

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It was a Friday night, I just finished work at 11 o’clock, sitting on the curb I smoked my cigarette in enjoyment as I waited to be picked up by a good friend, There is a house party in the north end and it was a perfect opportunity to let loose after a stressful move in as I adjusted to not living in conditions of the rich and lucky again, the emotions of anger was building.  Shit faced that night, I don’t remember how I got home but clearly I can remember being awoken to the fire alarm and my mom frantically screaming, as I had turned on the stove in the middle of the night to make something ; as I was hungry passing out on the couch which was my temporary bed. Caught the tea towel which was hanging on fire.

The look on her face, was enough to make any daughter run. Frantically extinguishing the fire successfully, the small house was full of smoke and it was all my fault. In the morning she didn’t wanna talk to me she had nothing to say to me, as she felt Necessary to have a talk with me about alcoholism and abuse. Whatever bring up the fact that we were left to fend for ourselves for so long and it was my opportunity to give it back to her. She threw me out that day as The current living arrangements-clearly wasn’t gonna work.

adult alone black and white dark

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Here at 17 I was about to be homeless and nowhere to go, really not ideal to go back to foster care homes. I would have to come up with something, to allow my social worker call mom to allow some time to get me situated somewhere new. Moving around constantly was just a box or two, it’s no different then a bag lady.

She was just being a mom, but so much water and emotional trauma has happened it’s hard to pick up where we were supposed to leave off when I was nine years old. She kicked me out then, she is kicking me out now … and I haven’t done much to deserve the constant torment of emotional distress. I went to the paper and there is someone looking for a roommate in the trailer park at the other end of town. I could afford the room and they also gave me an opportunity to save enough money. Her name is Cheryl also, not like a foster mom very good friend and we bonded. 

Finding a new place to lay my head allowed one less worry. I really don’t know how I survived those years they were so full of wrong turns bad decisions and irrational thoughts, I needed to get out of this town and start over. The man I thought I was going to marry, Heather also made a point to say that I was just at midnight visit. I was getting tired, of the wrong moves, the game of life was proving to be not what I expected… I deserved someone who would love me for me, I wanted someone who is crazy about me. Isn’t that with any girl wants, it’s the final knight in shining armour.  As I set up my new apartment I went downtown and purchased The cranberries CD, the song dreams will become my theme song for life. Giving me the strength to look deeper into myself to build the faith within myself , to encourage,  to continue down my lonesome road.

In my head I knew what I had it to do it I walked seven blocks, waited for the perfect moment to walk in and tell the man I spent years chasing , years wanting 

“ Me? Why don’t you want me? What have I done to make you not see how much I love you” You cant answer these  questions can you? Fucking look at me I screamed, The tears falling down my face. “ I told him I loved you with all my heart” And I couldn’t still understand why you couldn’t love me back. I ripped off the watch you purchased for me years prior and I whipped it out him as he laid on the couch looking at me in shock. I turned around and left and slammed the door, and I’m not sure I went that night.

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All I wanted was to feel loved and wanted, everybody whom was important to me  walked out, again leaving me to question what was wrong with me, underneath my troubling , behaviour, I was calm, sincere and smart. Not only was I smart about the world, I knew about the streets, the people and the drugs, Understanding the complexity of the lunatic behaviour that encompasses ones life.  Thank God for a group of individuals I called friends, who are distant family members that I can’t spend the time I wish I had with them. They can’t spend waking hours with me and making sure my life is going according to plan. I was spending more time hanging out with very Barry, he would come and get me and we go for car rides, talking about the future and where we are going to go with it. I never entertain the idea of having a relationship with Barry, my heartbreak was too much for a new relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to him, thinking about another man when i couldn’t get Torquil out of my mind. But Why?

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Welcome To My Story

Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience

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