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Chapter 28: Directions

Sitting on my front step awaiting a ride with the two boxes filled with my belongings of 18 years,  moving again be and the norm. Now in the trailer court across the end of town was different. Cheryl my new landlord,  tried to mentor me, set me on a good path. She had heard rumours about me in the past, having a conversation she came to realize most of those rumours were just from busybodies nothing better to do Then to pick a part other peoples dysfunctional life. Not realizing taking a good look in the mirror may benefit their own. Feeling relieved to get some of the anger out of my system  from my current failed relationships, feeling unwanted , not needed, becoming lost, horribly lost individual.

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18 years old I had already experienced much more than most will in a lifetime.  There wasn’t a day that went by I don’t worry about where my next meal would be, if I would have enough money to make it through the week or who would be there for me if I needed them. It was the same question I would go through my mind every night I went to sleep, masking the pain alcohol and abnormal behaviour needed to stop. I would look in the mirror, embarrassed to see was looking back at me. Asking the reflection why did you choose me? Why am I here struggling at such a young age and where are my parents.

The letters had arrived and it was exhilarating. To see where I could be planting some routes in the upcoming year. I had already found out I was not excepted in Kingston and Ottawa, my choices were Fleming College in Peterborough, Lambton in Sarnia or Red River in Manitoba. The obvious choice was to stay in Fort Frances, knowing it’s a one horse town I wasn’t going anywhere. I wanted things to be different, the energy of the world was pulling me towards another direction. Confused, why things happen the way they do, I open the letters the letters. I had no idea where I was going or how I was going to get there but I didn’t know I had to choose, carefully putting all three into a hat, deciding to pick the first one and that’s where I would go. The Destiination winning ticket was Peterborough, Ontario. Sending back the letter accepting their offer into the law security program in 1996, was my first step in the right direction. Thinking the grass is greener on the other side gave me momentum, hoping my problems would go away, being away from the heartache may be easy to live with a post to staring at in the face. I am alone in this world, like it or not… turning on survival mode once again. Afraid, wasn’t an option but I was.

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Walking into the towns only  travel agency purchasing the one-way flight ticket that can change my world was scary. The fear of the unknown, yet turned on by the sense of adventure. With butterflies in my stomach , allowed a sense of direction, it has been ages I had something amazing to look forward to. This adventure was mine and mine only, it is my first real step into the world and I’m scared shitless. Knowing I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by being brave, would be a test of all the survival skills I’ve taught myself. I’ve stared danger in the face many times, and stayed in a position of how in the fuck did I get here? The shit only happens in the movies and here I am living it. Grabbing the bull by the horn‘s I knew what I needed to do, I am braced every moment of my last time and where I was born and raised, where I watched and seeing things I candy race, I’ve watched abuse at its finest, I’ve loved like I’ve never loved before without the return and as I leave with a broken heart I can only hope that my future will be bright.

My mom wasn’t talking to me and she was in a mood again,Her obsession with death and the Darkside was at it again with her obsession wanting to work at a funeral home, working with the dead bodies was something I couldn’t understand her new obsession. I tried to block out the issues Resulting in emotional trauma for me. All I wanted was to be loved. I wanted someone to be so crazy about me they would do anything for me, or is that just stuff that again happens in the movies. Creating my own identity wasn’t easy, trying to find what made this lady took had so many underlying issues it was hard to determine who she really was.

Start to believe I was a bad person, the things I had done years prior. There were things that bothered me to the point where I felt I had to repay a debt to society. I was broke and can’t afford to pay anybody back. I had a one-way ticket, a ride on the other side lined up from a friend, and an opportunity to get off to the right start if I played my cards right. All I was in the mood for was a city taco, but as I sat in prepared my exit I was filled with different emotion. As most life goes to parents drive their child to college get them settled in a dorm making sure everything it was OK. But the young teenager was safely settled in to a strange city with everything they need for survival including money. I was going to college with no money in my pocket, except for the few hundred dollars I had to make last. Coming to learn living in the city is expensive as I can’t walk to where I need to go, which then requires a bus pass so I pawned my Walkman so I can buy a bus pass. Needing to find a way to get around so I can find myself a part-time job,  I felt panic as I had no money and I was broke. What now ?

backlit beach clouds dark

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Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience

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