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Chapter 31- Room With A View

Still remember how I felt the morning I woke up September 21, 1998 just tired as if I felt I haven’t slept for a week. currently living with my boyfriend whose parents were strict Catholic. Us living together was against the church, my husband wanted to honour their wishes but he also didn’t wanna lose me to the Children’s Aid Society. It was a year and a half into our relationship and we were dating. We have met at the bus stop, October of  1996. I was working at the Tim Hortons just a hop skip and a jump away. After being kicked out of the children’s aid Society, and making a decision to stay and gamble with a boy named Brian, I needed to take the first job I can find to start paying back my student debt, something my dad promised me under the influence of alcohol night of paying off my debts because he felt bad because you never help to me. That never did happen, never forgotten the conversation we had. His word meant nothing, never following through with any of his attemps to make sure his son or daughter had some sort of quality a life. It was up to me, every decision I was going to make would be in hopes to better myself. It takes a strong will power, and undying love for survival to make it in the world alone, young and naive.

photography of airplane during sunrise

Photo by Anugrah Lohiya on



Quickly waking up and having a piece of peanut butter toast, is that is all we could afford to roughly eat at the time. I reached out on my mountain bike to work, it was the only studying, I had it wasn’t much but $6.85 an hour I was blessed to have some money. This is where I learned my skills as a cake decorator, Baker and learned customer service skills. It wasn’t easy working at Tim Hortons but they were good to me, working for the company for over four years in total, I moved on in the bakeshop world.

It was a long dreary day and I was extremely tired, getting home around 230 I turn the ringer off. I never realized family and friends were frantically trying to get a hold of me as the news of my moms suicide was running through the wires. No one can get in touch with me, and no one had called the restaurant. Social media wasn’t existing back then so I wasn’t able to keep in touch as most people do nowadays. Having a hot shower as I wash away all shades of gray. Climbing into my boyfriends bed that night, I never realized would be the moment my life would be so impacted. Most of us live in a way where we believe it cant happen to us; But then it does. My mom suicide attempt was finally successful, as I lay stunned to the news given at three in the morning from a police officer. My boyfriend held me, Brian was the best thing I had, he understood my mom’s illness to a point. I must’ve smoked two packs of cigarettes that night and I never went back to sleep, talking about how we were going to forward to plane tickets to Thunder Bay? We didn’t have any money, not enough for the current rates. I met someone at one of the apartments I stayed out temporarily, she had worked for a travel agency in the city and I called her up. Not knowing her very well I wasn’t sure if she would help to the point where I needed. She was able to get the breve meant fair through an airline which was around 130.00 return. Embarrassed to not even have a any money to fly home, to say goodbye then my mom was very embarrassing. It was just days earlier we were on the phone together, she was talking about how the doctors were changing her medication, making her suicidal thoughts worse. They quiet Ness, sombre sadness of her voice, confirmed that she was ready to go. There would’ve been nothing I can do Souther done to stop it. It’s part of her destiny. Sick to my stomach to think her life is nothing, short of tragic and trauma. Something I relive most days in my life in my states of memory and tribulation.


Sitting around a round table, the smell of a stale  funeral parlour was stomach unsettling. I was nervous, confused and angry. It wasn’t the ideal; picking out a cardboard box to help my mom Burlington didn’t seem real to me. The body must go under some sort of shock, denial and anger as a protective mechanism so you don’t go nuts yourself. I was hovering around 190 pounds in a size 16 dress I spoke at the visitation. Familiar faces yet strange faces embraced the room,  A lady with a professional camera taking pictures of my mom in the coffin seem Bizarre. Not believing what I was seeing with my own troubling eyes, running to the nearest friendly body to inquire details to the lady with the camera. I found it insulting, to see someone taking pictures of my mom laying at rest. Going through her things tonight earlier to try and find something decent from her rooming house to wear. There is nothing satisfactory for my mom to wear on the day of her celebration. Just a garbage bag of clothes worn and tattered signs from a dirty life on the streets. 


Reaching into my wardrobe I found something my mom can wear, even her house painted nail polish remained on her long’s and weathered fingernails. As the tears strolled down my face, I got strength from the Amazing Grace she requested years prior in a found suicide note. This time there was no note, or maybe that note was disposed of. It was the one thing I wanted to find, the one thing I was sure of. I was sure she would want to tell me why and give me her final words of wisdom. 20 years later I’m here looking for the strength to write a book about you.It just seemed like you were here in Peterborough and go on like a heartbeat, small memories of a lost depressed mom, looking for a maracle that never came. I lost my mom to mental illness and suicide, she had hung her self in the rooming house early mornings, the night before she was seen running around naked on the security cameras and no one followed through. As if she was gone through a period of psychosis, maybe the same the people don’t know how they got there. Was it the pills she was taking for her condition ? Prescribed from the doctors days earlier, her please for help that her medication was making her feel worse, left me defeated. There were so many questions and no answers. Another case of unsolved mystery’s, suicide edition. 

It was a year ago living in the room in a room with a view, I was able to see paradise out that window and know that there is life for me somewhere. Hard to believe a rooming house do you thousand kilometres away also have a room with a view, but Irene couldn’t get to it.  I drank lots of beer that night to hide the pain as I wore her black penny loafers i was lost.


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Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
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