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Chapter 32: You Now Wait… (For the Book)

I could barely walk the last few days, after three doctors poked and prodded yanked and twisted my ankle without the care of attention required during a one-year rendezvous in the medical field. My plea’s were not heard as my voice message is the same “something is wrong; let’s fix it” the pain can be unbearable at times. I begged, Coming back into the cold surgical room, asking if I was psychologically OK. It is not in my head that something is wrong with my foot, why? Because I use Cannabis for pain? I can’t take pills, I’ll end up suicidal in thoughts and depression will turn it’s ugly head. I thought to myself. As I am starting to wonder if my foot is even fixable?

Luckily getting the day off to drive three hours to see the specialist, already been down  there wasting a day as I was referred to the wrong person: again. I don’t understand why doctors don’t listen to their patients, and making assumptions which most of my paperwork points too. It all stemmed from six bizarre random shit luck events leading to the multi sprains to my right ankle, resulting in procedures that should’ve NOT been applied to my foot. (Such as a cuboid release) talk about terribly painful. Leaving damage nerves in and around my foot and ankle? No one seems to know, leaving me in the dark again. There’s nothing they can do for me they said, and told me everything will be fine. Knowing that isn’t the truth, my foot is locked as we speak Creating a pressure within the bones around the ankle hoping it will release soon. Cozy, sitting by the fire, listening to the drip of the percolator awaiting a cup of infused coffee. Deep in thought

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“How can everything be fine” I said to Dr. Yen “some days I can barely walk” if my foot decides it’s gonna lock into place, I can’t do anything “ I almost want to scream with frustration due to the ignorance of the doctors, I have seen to date. Where are the doctors that care? I guess with anything it’s something I have to live with? another big pill, being given to swallow. Coming to learn living with another form of a small disability, is hard to understand at times but maybe for the good. It slows me down; I will never run again, having a past love for running at one point makes me sad. Not understanding the dynamics of “why me” and the pain I need to endure sporadically makes me wonder. My misfuctioning foot and ankle could not sustain the pounding of the pavement, doesn’t really need to run anymore. Stroking off the been there done that list of when the fitness bug arrived to bite me. I don’t seem to deserve this issue; yet it could be worse, My Mom used to say. She knew, all about it. Now, here we are.

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Setting a high achiever on a mission, inspiring others to live their life to the fullest. Ending up in magazines, writing articles for other inspiring athletes, and a phone call, email that would forever change the direction of my depression. In a blink of an eye you could go from being the luckiest girl on the Internet, to the most defeated girl in the world. My faith in humanity was shattered, that’s when I started to eat my emotions, and drink away my sorrows. Tossing away everything I worked hard for, being let down had to be the worst feeling in the world. Already feeling that emotion on other levels. Left a woman alone on a curb, bullied and betrayed by divided followers. The ECD was deleted from my life that day, realizing she was someone I wouldn’t want to have in my corner, a business woman who didn’t really care about a personable story of survival, success and love. She left me with a shitty email of lies, misinformation and kind denial. Why? I couldn’t understand why the world can’t see what I can offer. How dear she call my house, inviting me down to a book signing. It was October 2011, in my life I was hitting a great point average of 90%, waking up and barking the world to get a recreation and leisure diploma, as a mature student. Some of the skills, and out of the box thinking I learned in school I haven’t been able to put into practice as of yet, a let down of my professional development.  Wanting it be where a an appreciated on a grander scale, may not exist in this world of less passionate individuals.

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I went into shock, as my self-confidence got a kick in the teeth. Kicking into motion, a plan to train harder and be better resulting in injury stopping me and my training days. Selling off all my boxing equipment, show bikinis, heels, diet plans are more. That chapter was over within 4 hard years of sweat, tears and photo shoots. Arriving at Inside Fitness Headquarters in Toronto was amazing, the energy was addicting for the confidence department.

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I have met my goal to inspire those in so many avenues in my life and help those in need by compassionate acts of kindness, stopping to smell the roses and enjoying the company of others without the distraction of social media. I do what I do not for attention, I do it because that’s what I’ve always done. I can’t change who I am; No matter how I try to shut it out I can’t. For me to do so I would have to isolate myself pretty much from the world, and live as though I’m a robot, week, eat, work come home , enjoy and play. Repeat! That’s the struggle with the Scorpio marriage to a high achiever. I want to give, more than I can in my career, home life and professional responsibilities. I’ve spent 16 years giving endlessly in my career. 

I have decreased the population of my flock, as I can’t move as fast as I used to. When I had over 100 birds I loved the variety, the colours personalities and range of coloured eggs to enjoy and share with others. Having more of a simpler life has its perks, there’s no reason why I need to be trying to do more than I physically or  mentally can do. Being told once it’s isnt about the quantity it’s about the quality is what our CEO taught me.

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I’ve spent 16 years giving endlessly in my career. Going back to school as a mature student getting the right diploma for me. Working amazingly amongst the community in the healthcare field has been no the only rewarding, it’s giving me a broader perspective on life, love and compassion. I’ve paid my respects to more individuals in my lifetime the most ever have, moulding me with more humility. Two years ago, if someone had told me I would be here writing a final chapter of a book I plan to publish, I would have laughed and drink two bottles of wine that night and woke up with a hangover. I would look in the mirror and start to cry looking at a 250 pound woman, emotionally defeated in a journey all alone it seems at times.  I’m struggling so much, and the voices in my head of what I should and shouldn’t do. This may be moment of my life I could ruin everything, going crazy over something or an idea that isn’t meant to happen. Taking such a risk, can be determental to everything regardless of what people believe in. It’s such a life changing idea, Telus Business Pitch 2018 didn’t happen and I was prepping for that chance which never happened, due to Telus not offering it. What others don’t understand about who I am. Is the struggle is real “ my personality is an all or nothing … kinda deal. I have worked endlessly to change my makeup of high achieving and wanting to take the bull by the horns and change  I never realized being a full-time rec therapy worker, commuting 2 hours – 5 times a week, being a mom, wife of 18+years, chicken keeper, writing a book and trying to eat right can be so exhausting. There is little room for anything else to enjoy, including creating a community of edible fans around the world. Some days I am was feeling burnt out, the brain doesn’t stop and then I start to really try to change the way I think. As I understand burn out, it can come with emotional instabilities which is unhealthy. I wouldn’t change a single thing. Well actually yeah I would change time, I would slow down time. It feels as though life is in fast forward and the pause button is broken. That’s why I like to tell people to enjoy the simple things in life that you take for granted. In my career I’m starting to see our nursing homes populated with  a younger age catagory and that saddens me. The wait lists are long, hard to imagine what one must go through to get some assistance, i know it is an emotionally draining process for families and I feel their pain. I am not sure, if this career path can withstand 20 more years. My Mom would be ok; as she believed in following your heart.

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One of my closest friends is the age of when my mom committed suicide, and is the same age as one of my past private ladies I took care of by the name of Angela, living with Picks disease at the age of 52. It could happen to you or me tomorrow, a progression that has already started years ago. Some people may say, oh it’s just your age, don’t worry it happens to me too, and then you start to wonder if you may be showing early signs of Alzheimer’s or some sort of dementia. My husband is worse than I am, he has never abused any substances, he barely drinks may have a beer once in the Bluemoon, quit smoking cigarettes 23 years ago or so. He does have a really shitty diet, he doesn’t need any vegetables maybe the dog carrots or corn, and barely does eat fruit. That concerns me, I’ve never seen my husband eat salads and healthy items like beans or quinoa. And there’s no point in trying to change his pallet now. 

I truly believe the north American diet, has to do something with dementia. It’s becoming more common than anything else I believe in this world and it will affect all of us at the end and one way or another you’re one of the lucky ones you will never have to experience it yourself. I’ve never been so passionate about this topic as I care so much about it, and what we can do to make their lives better. My husband and I talked about that a lot if one of us was to ever be genetically disposed to it.  Wondering about what would your wishes be for your quality a life? I often wondered about long-term care insurance? But I have decided I will not go that route if anything happens to me. I don’t want to be dependent on anybody,  in my work that I do I make sure the quality of life is as best as I can give with everything in me. My struggle is I know it’s not enough and I can do more or I will burn out and get sick. Which has happened in the past. That’s the problem with a high achiever, who is empathetic and he works in the field I do. It was like I said to my son recently as wanting to call in sick, which I didn’t.

“These 50 individuals, help pay our mortgage, put food on the table, the toys we have in the driveway, the car I drive and the clothes we all are wearing. It is my honour to go into work and give it my 110%. And if I am not 110% sick! I therefore go into work, I go into their home and provide everything I can.”

It’s a career path I’ve spent 16 years in, it was the career path myself fourth after my grievance process after my moms suicide. She was a nurse at the local hospital, and I don’t know the turning point where she ultimately became ill and never returned.  In honour of my mom, I went into debt to get an education so that I can follow in her footsteps. And there hasn’t been a day, but I haven’t given myself emotionally to my career. I’ve been having moments of giving that up, no because I’m not good at what I do, because they deserve someone like me. I’m being pulled in many directions and that’s hard to know what to do. 

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I have reached high levels of accomplishment all my life, but sometimes a higher achiever needs to understand the top isn’t meant to be reached in every chapter of your life. It’s ok to fail graciously, I’m not defeated. The all or nothing attitude needs to be shifted, and the only way I could do that is let go. Let go of all the wrongdoing, let go of all the hurt and trouble others have caused to your soul, stop searching for answers you will never find. Wake up and chase the simple rainbows, as you need to remember you’ve inspired already. Focus on what’s important, Never lose sight on how you make others feel when they are defeated. You have survived, if the Dream is real it will happen. 

Be proud of your gifts, even if the world has blinders on at times. Kindness and Love always wins remember that as you make the biggest decisions in your life. I need to believe every falls into place the way The Big Man intended to be.

Your story of survival after endless chapters of trauma may be just the beginning to a whole new beautiful life of you believe in Cannabis. Which I do.

to be continued….

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Welcome To My Story

Cannabis Enthusiast : Craft Edible Creator : Recreation and Leisure Professional : Blogger
A Craft Edible Experience

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